Musikblogs

If God calls tell him I got the message! I am trying to think of what stimulates me at the moment, I think I am in post-traumatic-studio-shock! I walk around with a certain sense of numbness to everything, which used to stimulate me.

I felt like I was in a film Yesterday, the lights which illuminated the club we played had a very hallucinogenic affect on me. I was constantly looking into the crowd but only identifying the individuals, the lovers who couldn’t take their hands off each other, the lonely Blonde girl who eventually sank to her seat realising that “he” wasn’t coming although he had promised, the girl who wanted to catch my eye to tell me she approved and the girl who catches my eye, seeking her approval! The Gay couple, dancing with the beautiful models, which made everyone feel they were at the right party and the housewife who forgot everything for a moment to remember so much more! I stood there in a frozen moment numb to everyone and everything around me.“Can someone please wake the patient the operation is over we have removed the CD and he should start to recover now!” Musicians walking aimlessly through the streets looking for A&R doctors to help remove the growing CD!

I was once recovering from a full anaesthetic after an operation where I felt like I was freezing I couldn’t stop shaking although I wasn’t cold I was vibrating in the bed. I had lost control of my control I no longer could remain calm. Getting on stage last night was like coming out of a full anaesthetic, I was shaking, partly numb but I could open my eyes and I could see the individuals around me although the bigger picture was hazy. The lights moved in the room and I saw a representative of the record company who was singing the text of an unknown song from our up coming album and I was struck by the rarity of he’s kind, I felt like I was in a documentary set in the dessert and in the far off distance we had spotted one of those rare wild beasts feeding!

After the show I met some of the audience and signed some autographs and thanked the fans for their support I was then brought to a restaurant to meet our booking agent to discuss the tour and we talked about the world and its craziness. After some good food and good conversation I realised that I was still numb to my present being something was not harmonising something was distracting my focus and my power to recognise my surroundings.

I went home and saw my daughter sleeping without worry and I got undressed and lay in bed wondering what could have distracted me from myself. I realised I had blocked out the loss of a friend that day, someone I had loved and cared for, someone who is no longer with us. Sweet memory of good times past and the glimpse of other lives and the talk of what is to come and our singing words of extinction! In some ways those individual lives I had under my microscope were sign posts of life outside the bright lights, I have lost something which belonged to times when music was an expression rather than an existence, everything that you are should be your music rather than your music should be everything that you are! I have seen the signs and felt the loss, no need for panic recognition is half the battle of recovery, if God calls tell him I got the message!